Physics & I have had a tumultous & fulfilling relationship. I was deeply enchanted by it while simultaneously struggling to be at ease with it’s mathematical form. I hated torque.
During A-Levels, when a choice came up between Physics and English, English seemed the natural choice It was also a perfect complement to French and History, my other subjects. Why I turned down Chaucer and a near certain ‘A’ grade for some of the most painful and frustrating moments I would experience those 2 years will be a rhetorical question to those whose life, relationships and work are made on similar choices. It is less about the road less traveled, and much more about alchemy. The process of transmutating our fleshy, unaware, material selves into conscious wisps of light & breath demands as its’ catalysts both fear and uncertainty. As we start to uncover, layer by layer, the shimmering translucence that we are, the addiction to the paradox is complete.
I never got good at Mechanical Physics, but Quantum Physics felt like home, a whispered secret from long ago that I had all but forgotten. Studying it was like a remembering.
I still remember the experience of hearing, no, feeling the experience of hearing that light was both a wave & a particle. It took my breath away. A normal 15 year old with no profound understanding of the sciences, this observation nevertheless shook me deeply.
Was that my first formal introduction to the paradox? Did I see in it the element that would define me above everything else? I know only that I fell deeply in love.
I return to writing after what feels like many lifetimes. I started to write so many times, but the words would peter away mid-sentence, resentful of my forced entreaties and waiting in sulken silence for me to leave them alone. I did.
I return to the wave-particle duality as the most fitting symbol of my many transmutations. In the process I learnt that I am both, Suvarchala & Aiishaa. I’ve learned also to love the pain of unresolution, the pinprick of non-choice as I undulate between two opposites. I feel textures that are invisible to me when I insist on the comfort of a singular truth. I hear magic in the unanswered question…
I’ve come a distance. The only part that matters is that I’ve loved fiercely, and with abandon, so.many.people. This is my greates accomplishment, and always will be.